I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson 

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld